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ABORTION: THE REAL LIFE HORROR STORY

It’s gray in here, an errant thought zips through my mind. I wonder if they do that on purpose. Is the dismal design purposed with the clientele in mind. Did they choose this steal, cold gray color pallet on purpose? I mean, it screams to the numbness and complete lack of feeling?

Too bad I can’t remember what magazines are on the tables. Are they parenting and children like prenatal clinics, which, if I’m honest would be torture. Would people really do something like that. Maybe they were grief counseling, that makes sense. My guess is the latter, seeing as though there’s zero life in this place anyway.

On the other hand, maybe they were completely unrelated like cooking and travel. Truth is, travel could be one reason why a woman would sit here to begin with. I can hear that woman speak now, “I don’t want anything getting in my way” she would claim. Is it all a set up for the events that take place behind those doors? Does anybody even care. These thoughts surrounding magazines and decor seem irrelevant but every detail plagues my memory. It’s one of those days on replay in my head, in hopes of changing the outcome ya know. 

He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy. Proverbs 28:13

FROM MEMORY

I can remember the cold dreary environment. It wasn’t the hustle and bustle of life. It was heavy and weighed down. As I sit here now recounting my memories, a millstone, with all it’s realness comes to mind. along with the uncharted depths of the sea. It’s certain, I should be wearing one, sinking into the deep.

 

The office building has very few windows. The natural light is minimal. For crying out loud, it was difficult enough to find the door in. I suppose, that should’ve been my first clue but I need to be here. Right? I mean I have no other choice and this is legal. It’s obviously okay to do. No one opposed me on my way in or once I got in.

 

WHO KNEW

I was young and naive, on top of, working to house, clothe and feed a toddler. Had a job at a manufacturing plant. Paid good but man, it was labor intense. 50, 60, and 70 hour weeks left my mom to raise my son most days. She worked three jobs to raise me, I could handle this. During certain seasons I would work 12 hours a day 7 days a week. Graveyard. Ironic, seeing as though this whole story revolves around a grave yard.

 

Anyway, I barely saw the child I had and somehow my bank account was always overdrawn. I’m talkin hundreds over drawn. Not pennies. The struggle looked more like hanging from a bridge with a zip tie around my neck, rather than, treading water. I was a blazing wreck. The money was great but I lived my life drinking as often as I could and smoking is an expensive habit. Super gross too, by the way.

 

To top it off, I found myself in an adulterous relationship. It’s amazing how satisfying the lusts of the flesh blinded me to complete delusion. As if it’s breaking news, this guy was not the one, although at the time I thought so. My mom told me I was drinking from a suicide cocktail. She was right. I wanted to die more days than I wanted to live.

 

SIDENOTE: If you’re googling for an answer to whether a married man is the one, the answer is and always will be NO, NO, NO!

In short, I was an idiot. Eventually, unprotected, reckless fornication got me pregnant. Imagine that. Now, what? I’d stupidly hoped this man would be my savior. Love and protection evaded me. The desire for someone to show me I was worth something ran deep. Inevitably, I fell for anyone who would tell me I was beautiful.

 

Desperation is real, although I portrayed a woman who was strong and had it all together. LIE!

 

I was She-Ra, Miss Independent on the outside, but in secret I was decaying from the inside out? How ridiculous. Yes! But very much my reality.

 

Turned out, he wasn’t my savior, go figure. I was a loose cannon, searching the lowest of lows for the answers. No one to blame but myself. My own heathen, wicked decisions had led me here. I ended up in this building lost and filled with unrighteousness.

 

As I sat there in the counseling room I balled my eyes out. The cries were so long and so hard my head was throbbing. Surprised, my eye sockets managed to hold up.

 

I’d come to find in the years following I couldn’t cry as life got worse. Those were my last tears for years to come.

 

It was like my soul emptied itself that day. Something in me, dare I say a living child, was telling me not to do this. Yet as he sat next to me I saw nothing but ‘I won’t be there for you’ written all over his face. As if life wasn’t already hard enough with the child I had. Teaching, providing, food, daycare, time off work, getting them to and from, diapers, sleep, I barely got any as it was. I can’t do this alone. I just can’t ran through my head over and over like Indy 500 cars speeding around the track.

 

SELFISHNESS MANIFEST

The what ifs and doubts flooded my whole existence. I could not sacrifice any more of myself. So I thought. Fear was gripping me. Was I afraid of the future raising a child alone or the events to take place shortly. Hard to tell through the pain.

 

They did an ultrasound but I didn’t know what for and no one told me what the procedure consisted of. Although they shared minimal details. Comprehension was not an option at that moment. Let alone retaining it through the tears, pain, and disgust.

 

They provided a pill of some sort and a gown. As I lay there half naked, my mind can’t help but think, this is the same concept that got me here, to begin with. DUMB DUMB DUMB! Shame was all I could conjure up, in part because the freaking decor of death was everywhere. Cold, gray, and lifeless! My legs were shaking.

 

STOP!
DON’T GO THROUGH WITH THIS, SCREECHED THROUGH MY HEAD!

 

 

A man who is laden with the guilt of human blood will be a fugitive until death; let no one support him. Proverbs 28:17

 

 

Then it was over!

I was incoherent and shaking. My body had gone into shock.

 

And…

 

He had left me there.

 

Silence

 

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I had to phone a friend to come get me. My life was forever changed. I was then, am now, and forever will be, a mother of a murdered child. A baby I sacrificed, so that, my life would seemingly be easier. Not so. The reality was much different.

 

THE AFTERMATH

I tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions. I drank myself dumb, smoked until I was sick, lived on nothing but energy drinks, close to zero food. I slept during every free second available. I worked, worked, worked. Left my child with my mom often because I was mentally, and emotionally unavailable.

My physical presence was nothing but rage. Rage that would put Hulk to shame. I was a loose cannon. Torching with a blaze, everything and everyone in my path. Filled with hate for myself, this world, and God, life spiraled down a pit, to an utter pitch black abyss.

 

 

Realizing the fact that law is not made for a righteous person, but for those who are lawless and rebellious, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers! 1 Timothy 1:9

PATH TO REDEMPTION

Years of a disastrous life moved on at the pace of an ant traveling from LA to NY. Until, one day, I slid down the wall shattered from the inside out. Shards of guilt and shame had pierced every organ in me. I was bleeding out. In voice, still unable to produce tears I cried out for Jesus, please, please save me. I was born again and became a follower of Christ.

 

Many months later, a friend invited me to a Christmas service at church for those who lost loved ones around the holidays. October 4th is a date etched in my conscious, although, I didn’t consider that holidayish. Still, I went as support. She had lost her mother two days after Christmas several years before.

 

I sat there listening to the pastor speak of losing loved ones. Out of no where, a tidal wave of tears filled me and came pouring out of my eyes. I hadn’t been able to shed a tear for longer than I could remember. God brought me to a place of deep sorrow I didn’t even know existed. Over the course of hate filled years, I had pleaded with Him to forgive me.

 

I believe this was God telling me I had never acknowledged to my baby that I had done wrong.

 

Asking my baby for forgiveness and taking responsibility for the pain I inflicted was essential to my freedom. True repentance happen that night.

 

I was no longer a heathen. I was actively following Jesus. Reading Gods Word, going to church and seeking Him filled my days. I was seeking Him for all things and trying to do right. Things were different. They are still different. But, I will never forget that night.

 

I reconciled my wrong to the Lord and to my baby. I wrote on the Christmas ball the date of their death and hung it on the tree. I didn’t expect God to get a hold of my heart in that way. Honest, I didn’t know that was possible. Nevertheless, He did and I found forgiveness and freedom in the arms of the Lord Jesus.

 

HARDCORE TRUTH

It’s important to understand, I have wrestled with telling this story for years. It’s not easy telling people your most shameful sins.

 

I fully regret killing my child. That’s what happen and no one will convince me it isn’t a big deal or that their life wasn’t worth an opportunity to live and breath outside the womb. I don’t care if it hurts other people’s feeling to say that either.

 

Abortion isn’t going to be dumbed down, IT. IS. MURDER!

 

NO, it did not make me who I am today!

 

NO, I am not stronger because if it!

 

NO, it is not okay!

 

God set me free when I came to take full responsibility for my actions. He has forgiven me because I cried out in repentance, please forgive me and make me new.

 

Make no mistake, I am stronger because of JESUS!

 

Freedom comes from JESUS!

 

He made me who I am today.

 

He made me an abolitionist today because I didn’t have the knowledge then and people need to know the truth. I didn’t know the truth. I won’t hesitate, to tell the truth of abortion. It’s evil. Child sacrifice.

 

I don’t want the lesson learned, I want my baby!***

 

And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. Revelation 12:11

 

I say these things because I don’t want you to regret a permanent life decision to a temporary problem. You can live a wonderful life with your baby. I now have 7 living children having birth 5.

 

Make an informed decision.

 

 

IMPORTANT:

***If this is something you have done, there’s an opportunity for redemption and forgiveness. There’s an opportunity for reconciliation and freedom. Cry out to God now while he may still be found. Abortion is the sacrifice of a baby who cannot defend them self. You can come back from this but only with the blood of Jesus.

 

Come find me on Facebook, that's where I hang out when I'm not writing. Talk soon!
ttfn,Jamee
Heeey,

Words are always more fun when you hold that vowel for an extra beat. Am I right? Anyhoo, thanks for stopping by. I'm committed to helping women crush the belief that being loved is possible for everyone but herself while learning to cultivate life with courage!!

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